Saturday, December 6, 2008

My unnamed prologue

I don't name prologues or epilogues. I just don't. Sorry if you're disappointed.

In case you're wondering, the book I'm writing is called Darkness and it's about vampires and elves and some other stuff I don't feel like typing.

So, my prologue kinda sucks, because I'm very deficient in good writing ability. It's also, like, WAY too long for a prologue. It needs lots of help, so send me suggestions. I would make you guys a real disclaimer, but I don't really feel like typing right now. I'm way tired, but at least I'm not eating macaroni and spinach. lolz

Oh, and just so you know, the last line is the pickup for chapter 1. Also, all the confusing things in this will be explained later in the book.


Prologue

Adventure is worthwhile.
Aesop

Aaron walks down the dark tunnel, smiling to himself. Nothing can bring his happiness down on his day of glory. He comes to the door of the study, and sees Collin, his servant, standing in front.
“Good evening, Collin.” Aaron says.
“Good evening, Master Aaron.” Collin replies, bowing.
“Is the prisoner ready?”
“Yes, she is.”
“Thank you, Collin. You never disappoint me. You may have the remainder of the night off. Be here early tomorrow to help prepare me for my coronation.”
“Of course, Master Aaron.” Collin says as he bows once more, before swiftly walking away.
Aaron enters his study and sees the prisoner standing in the center of the circular room. She’s a beautiful young WaterMage; about eighteen years old, just like him. She has a skinny figure, with blonde hair that is streaked with blue and silver; the markers of the WaterMage. Her big, wondering eyes are emerald. Surprisingly, the girl doesn’t seem to be afraid.
“What is your name?” Aaron asks, circling around her slowly.
“Heather.” The girl whispers.
“Heather, do you know why you’re here?”
“No.” Heather replies softly.
“You’re going to help me become king.”
“I don’t see how I can benefit you, Master Aaron.” She says, with a hint of sarcasm in her voice.
“Well, I suppose I could tell you.” Aaron smiles. Heather rolls her eyes.
“As you know, we, everyone in this kingdom, are vampires. Well, it’s vampire tradition for the eldest son of the king to succeed his father.”
“That’s how it is in most elven worlds; not Syran, though.”
“Yes. Well, for a son to succeed his father here, he has to” Aaron pauses for a moment. “Kill an ElementMage with the Dagger of Eldron. I had my servants risk their lives by going to different worlds, gathering a FireMage, an EarthMage, an AirMage, a LightningMage, and a WaterMage, so I can have a choice in who I kill.” He smirks.
“And you picked me.” Heather says bitterly.
“Yes. The other ElementMages were ugly men. You are the only person who I thought someone might actually miss if you were killed.”
“Shame.” Heather says softly.
“What?”
“Well, you seem to be at a disadvantage, Master Aaron. If you kill me, then you’ll never learn what I can teach you; you’ll never know what might have happened if you spared me.”
“What are you trying to play me into?” Aaron hisses.
“Nothing. I just think you should hear me out.”
“Fine.” Aaron spits. “Impress me.”
“Prepare to be impressed.”
Heather smiles, happy that she has bought herself more time. Over next few hours, Heather tells Aaron about her world and her life. Amidst this, Aaron and Heather fall in love.

(This is supposed to be a text break, but it didn't show up on the post. Pretend it's here.)

After a month, Aaron notices that Heather is upset. He had spared her because of his love for her. Now he sits in self-pity; not wanting to let her leave, but still wishing he were king. He knows Heather misses her home and her family, so he shows compassion, something he rarely does, and lets her leave. Although Heather’s upset to be leaving, she’s also excited to return to her homeland on Syran. She leaves smiling, after kissing Aaron once more and promising she will visit whenever she can. Little do either of them know, Heather is newly pregnant with Aaron’s child; the first person to ever be half elf half vampire.

(This is supposed to be a text break too.)

Nine Months Later

Heather walks down the cold tunnel carrying the most precious thing in her life; the new baby boy she had given birth to less than twenty four hours ago. Happy but nervous to be returning to the world of Eldron and her beloved, Aaron, she heads toward the study.
She pauses for a moment by the study door to look at the beautiful baby, and gaze into his emerald eyes that look exactly like hers. Taking a breath, Heather enters the cold, dark chamber. She sees Aaron, who is sitting on the crimson sofa reading a book.
During the time of Heather’s absence, Aaron had figured that Heather was never coming back. He had married Azora, a rich noble who only loved Aaron for his power.
“Aaron,” Heather says softly.
“Heather?”
“Oh, I’ve missed you so much.” Heather says, crying tears of joy.
“I’ve missed you too.” Aaron replies. As he talks, he plans.
“This,” she says, taking the baby out of the protection of her cloak, “Is your son. I call him Shadow, because it means ‘his father’s son’ in the native elven tongue. He’s looks just like you, and he’ll grow up to be the noble man that you are.”
Aaron quickly examines Shadow. He looks almost exactly like Aaron, except he has elven ears and brilliant emerald eyes. He rethinks his plan for a moment, but decides that the baby is only a minor setback and he should continue; for he wants to be king more than he loves Heather.
Aaron slips the Dagger of Eldron behind his back, before pulling Heather closer to kiss her. She kisses him back, but she seems nervous.
Aaron lets his lips move down to her throat, savoring the time he still has with her. He lets go of her with one hand and grabs the dagger; gripping it as hard as he can. After taking a firm breath, he stabs it into Heather’s back and simultaneously bites her throat, killing her instantly.
She falls toward the floor, but Aaron stops her from hitting the ground as to not hurt the baby.
“Shadow, my son,” He says gently. “I really should kill you.” He pauses, looking at the baby’s elven ears, and his emerald eyes that look like a perfect copy of Heather’s. “But, I can’t. Someone needs to inherit the throne when my time is done. Anyway, you’re the last piece of Heather that I have.”



Sixteen years later, in another world…

5 comments:

Michelle said...

It's really good! Here are some suggestions:

You might start with Heather leaving to her home town, like you had later on, and she's remembering all that happened, so the readers understand it but they don't have to read the whole thing (e.g. She knew she was lucky to be alive - it was planned that she was to be killed just a month before) stuff like that. Sorry if you don't get what I'm saying, I wasn't sure how to explain it.

Also you might try using past tense instead of present. It's easier to understand, but that's just a suggestion.

Lightningwriter said...

Good! I could really see what was happening. You drew a detailed picture in my mind. However, I agree with Mysti. Past-tense might be something for you to consider. Keep up the good work, Ninja!

Ninja Vampire said...

All my writing is in present tense, but I'm highly considering changing to past. Thanks a ton for the suggestions!!!!

Mrs. Cheney said...

Both of Mysti's suggestions are good. A prologue should have a different feel from the body of the book. Your dialogue is very nice, but it doesn't seem to flow with your use of summaries of events and elapsed time. The present tense seems to rob the prologue of fluidity. My suggestion is to cut out the dialogue, write in past tense, and create a better flow from start to finish by sticking with a story-telling type of summary of the important events that lead to the coronation of the king.

It is okay to write the body of the book in present tense if we have the background information of the prologue. You may consider using flashbacks to fill in other background information if you take that approach.

You've done a nice job with the dialogue, I'm just not sure the prologue is the right place for it. It's a nice story, and your characters are interesting. Keep at it!

Annie Bakker said...

omg I loved it! but i have to agree you should change it to past tense