Friday, December 5, 2008

Memories

Here's an excerpt from one of my books I'm working on. It still has no title, like so many of my other books, so please excuse the boring title I stuck in.

Also it'll make no sense because you haven't read the beginning, so just read and pretend to get it, okay? And it's only a rough draft, just remember.

Paige was nearing the very bus stop they'd gone to so many years ago on that cold November day. It was now spring, but the setting was the same. A bench sat alone on a desolate sidewalk with old boarded up shops sagging behind it. Their appearance made Paige almost expect the gloomy buildings to sigh, as if they had a life of their own, one that was too gloomy to stand upright and look happy.
Today, sitting on the bench was a young boy who couldn't have been older than six or seven, for his feet dangled more than six inches above the ground. His blue eyes were concealed by a shaggy mop of light brown hair until he shook the locks out of his eyes.
Paige could see nothing that looked like something Gem would have left, but she crossed the street toward the bench anyway. She sat down beside the boy, who gave her a smile that revealed two missing bottom teeth, most likely ones that he'd lost by the way he showed them to her so proudly.
She scanned the area for some sort of a clue as to where to go next, but she could see nothing, not so much as small hint from Gemini.
"Hi," the boy said. Paige merely nodded at him and continued searching. "Whatcha doing?" the boy asked.
"I'm looking for someone," Paige replied, "Or something. I'm not really sure.
"Why?"
"Because. . . it's important that I find them," Paige said.
"Why?"
"Look, I'm not really sure," Paige told him impatiently, "all I know is that my friend has left something for me and I need to find it."
The boy was silent for a minute, which gave Paige the impression he was finally finished with his interrogation, until he asked, "But how can you be looking for something or someone if you don't even know what you're looking for?"
"What are you doing here?" Paige asked irritably, not bothering to hide the annoyance from her voice.
"I'm running away," the boy said, unphased by her rudeness.
A picture of two young girls about the same size and height as the boy appeared in her mind, one blond, the other brunette, sitting on the very same bench they were on now, both of them holding a small bag of their belongings just as the boy was.
Her heart softened for the boy who seemed so much like Gemini and herself. It made her look at him a little differently. "Oh?" she asked, "What are you running away for?"
"Because I'm nothin' but trouble and my mama wants me to," the boy said bluntly.
"Sure. She says it all the time. Why?"
Paige looked over the boy for several seconds. "What's your name, kid?" she asked finally.
"Charles E. Matthias Revin," the boy said, "and I'm seven years old, going on eight. I'm intelligent. What about you?"
"I'm Paige Tillman," Paige said slowly, and, slightly taken aback by his long response, added, "I'm fourteen."
"Pleased to meet you, Miss Paige," Charles said, shaking her hand vigorously.
"Yeah. . . okay. . ." Paige said, giving him a strange look.
It was silent for a few minutes, but of course Charles managed to break it soon enough. "What exactly are you looking for?"
"I told you, I don't know, exactly," Paige told him, "My friend just told me it was some kind of a strange device."
Charles reached into his small brown bag. "Something like this?" He held something that was in the shape of a pocket watch, but bigger. It was a gold color, shined enough that it glistened in the light of the setting sun.
"Where did you get that?" Paige asked excitedly, taking the object from his hands.
"Found it. It was sitting right here on the bench, waiting for me."
"It wasn't waiting for you, it was waiting for me," Paige said, staring in awe at the object she held, "Charles, this could be what I'm looking for! Now if I can just figure out how to work it. . ." Paige started to fiddle with the watch and found it snatched out of her hands by Charles before she could do much at all.
"How do you open it?" Charles asked, prying at the sides of the device.
"Charles, be careful! You're going to break it!" Paige reached out for the device. Charles quickly pulled it away.
"I found it!" he protested, "That means it's mine!"
"But Gem meant for it to be for me!" Paige snapped, her voice coming out in a whine. She was aware of how childish she sounded, but she didn't care just then. She just wanted to save Gemini.

6 comments:

Lightningwriter said...

That's good! I think you have good dialogue. Keep up the good work!

Annie Bakker said...

ok I loved it I want to read the reast!! you should so keep it up!!

Annie Bakker said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ninja Vampire said...

That was really descriptive, and it had great dialogue. It pulled me into it, and I wanted to read more. Keep up the good work!

Eve said...

That's really good! Very descriptive. You made it very intriguing! It really pulled me in. Keep up the good work!

Mrs. Cheney said...

Great description of the buildings sagging and sighing in the background.

Your dialogue is pretty good. One way to improve dialogue is to get somebody to read it out loud with you. Read only the words in the quotation marks, each person taking the part of a character. When you hear it spoken aloud and without all the fillers, you may get a different feel for the authenticity of conversation.

I think you've done a good job here, but there may be room for improvement in making the flow of the conversation more natural. Get two friends to speak the parts for you so you can listen for the ideas you think should be the focus of the dialogue.

You're doing great!